Democracy

Tonight, I watched democracy in action. Ok, not so much democracy as a strange reality show in which candidates on Fox News, complete with a buzzer stolen from the 1970s game show “Password.” Thursday Night was the first of forty-seven debates between the Republican debates in a battle to lose to Barack Obama by double-digits. The big names (Trump, Gingrich, Palin, Bachmann, Christie, Mitch Daniels) weren’t there, to the extent that the Republican party contains big names (they do not). Here are those who actually showed up last night:

1) Governor Tim Pawlenty (R-MN), whose fast-paced videos and bland demeanor make him a top-tier candidate. He offends no one, pleases no one, is eminently malleable and generally stays out of everyone’s way by being as bland as possible. Given the inherent craziness of everyone else in the field, this makes him “plausible” by Washington’s Republican establishment (much as a frat boy scans a room for the “not out of my league but not so unattractive that I might be ridiculed by friends the next morning” girl at 2am).

In an era in which “Generic Republican” does better than any other actual, named Republican against Obama in the polls, Pawlenty is the most generic of all possibilities.

Strange, inexplicable quote last night: “I LOVE THE HUCK!” Boy. That could have ended badly if he just missed one letter.

2) Herman Cain (R-Toppingville): The founder of Godfather’s Pizza, he touts his business experience. This is interesting, since everyone last ate at Godfather’s when they installed a Ms. Pacman in 1983. My favorite question of the debate came from Juan Williams, who asked Mr. Cain what a President Cain would do to lower gas prices. The best answer: “Well, since we’re dealing with such an absurd hypothetical premise, I’m going to have to say that by that time, cars will be fueled by love and unicorn juice, Juan.”

He was incoherent; he has no experience and had nothing substantive to say. By all accounts, he won the debate.

Sample quote: “With all due respect, your experts are wrong.” In fairness, he was referring to Fox News’ experts, so he might be in the clear here.

3) Gary Johnson (R-NM, I think): I don’t know who he is, where he comes from and what chance he thinks he has. He does want to legalize pot and tax the hell out of it, winning him the support of fiscally responsible potheads everywhere.

Sample quote: “It’s like nine questions for these guys and none for me!”

Downside: He’s very whiny, asking to be asked more questions, like he was Lisa Simpson (“Grade Me… Look at Me. EVALUATE AND RANK ME!!!”) . No one likes the person who raises his hand in class, Gov. Johnson. Other downside: I have no idea whether he made up being the governor of a state. Really, no one knows. It is possible Fox News just made the guy up to have five people on stage.

4) Former Senator Rick Santorum (R-Leviticus): Once a rising star in the GOP, he lost re-election by I think 57 points in the swing state of Pennsylvania. This makes him a political star of the Religious Right. The evangelicals love him. No one else does, particularly Internet search engines (seriously, look him up, it’s awesome).

5) Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX): Like Santorum, both Paul and his supporters are bound by a simple religious belief: that eliminating the Federal Reserve and going back to the gold standard would cure all ills in the world, up to and including making a coherent Transformers movie. He’s the crazy grandfather who thinks that flouride in the water is a government plot, except he actually is the father of an actual sitting United States Senator, which should make us all cry.

He is intellectually honest, but dangerous and implausible, much like most engineering students who’ve never held a job. Also, he apparently came out for the legalization of heroin tonight, which might make any future election night celebration party really dour.

Sample quote: “If we legalize heroin tomorrow, is everyone is going use heroin? How many people here would use heroin if it were legal?” This was met by cheers by a crowd of South Carolina Republicans. No. Not kidding.


Last night wasn’t so much democracy in action as a surrealistic experience that even the next morning I had to check actually happened. You ever not remember calling people when you’re drunk, so you frantically check your cell phone to see who you called and texted so you at least know who you spoke to? Yeah, this morning I actually scanned political blogs to verify stuff like “really, the Godfather’s guy won the debate” or “Rick Santorum is running for President” or “Ron Paul was met with applause at a Republican primary when he called for the legalization of heroin.”

On the bright side, we’re pulling out of the Middle East. So we’re not exporting our style of democracy.