A Fashion Analysis of Marv Albert's Toupees Throughout History

Marv Albert is very vain. He’s vain in the most remarkable, audacious, spectacular fashion ever -- to the point in which he actually is making a statement about his vanity in each of his hairpieces. Let's break it down.

1987: Very helmet hair, denoting that Marv still wanted to wear a hairpiece that said “you know, this is what a big-market sportscaster is supposed to look like." But still acceptable within the realm of hairpieces because it is fairly plausible. That's a hairpiece that says “ok, I’d rather no one know I’m bald because I’m a little vain and I’m in television. But I’m not going to exactly make it obvious, either. Because I’m vain about that, too.”

1993: Still unkempt. Perhaps a homage to Ringo and the rest of the Fab Four. Also, in this photo, giving a very weird vibe like you’d see from Isaac when he served a cute lass on the Love Boat.

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1997: While incarcerated, confirmed what everyone in America knew for some time but was shockingly rarely public acknowldeged. Marv is bald. Has been for some time. But, here’s the thing, he wore the piece in his mugshot. Say what you will, but that’s the ultimate in “Person Tries To Establish Brand.” You are arrested for sodomy and assault, something went horribly wrong, it was your fault and you will have “infamous” attached as an adjective to your name in a lot of upcoming articles. But dammit, at this point, Marv wanted to convey to the world “NO! I HAVE HAIR!”

2001: Marv returns to announcing the NBA on NBC. Decides to go clean-cut as he clearly needs to show the public that he wants to announce basketball with the least audacious hairpiece imaginable. It is what I like to describe as “toupee penance.”

Today: Marv continues with the premise that he has hair AND, BY GOD, HE ALWAYS HAS. He's also changed colors and decided to become modern and sleek. This is truly the mid-life crises of toupee changes. It's "I'm in a rut. I don't know what will change it. I'VE GOT IT! TOUPEE CHANGE!" Also, to boot, he’s decided to go with a change in color. This, I contend, is remarkable.

Think about what he’s doing. He’s continued the fiction of “I have hair” to a all-too-suspecting public for over three decades. He’s still doing it and has decided, “meh, I’ve decided to pretend I have hair and I’ve decided to look good, anyway.” This is a double-down of vanity that is truly remarkable.

Or he’s decided “well, yeah, I am going to wear a more audacious hair piece because, dammit, that’s what the public wants.” This is a remarkably post-modern critique of American celebrity culture that really is far beyond anything Buck Henry wrote in To Die For. It is celebrity-savvy. It is image-obsessed. Like Lady Gaga, he almost says "well, yeah, I'm going to be outrageous and audacious because I can."

It is remarkable. It is New York television, where image is everything. It is America. It is Marv.

Mom

Having children does change you, I think. It grounds you, lets you know what unconditional love is (and, as importantly, isn’t) and requires you to think about something other than your petty problems. It is responsibility – acting poorly and not showing love affects a child when he or she becomes an adult.

One way it changed me is that it completely altered how I viewed my own mother. As a teen, I focused on the negative concerning my Mom’s behavior: the continual tensions with my father, the divorce, her obsessive compulsiveness and occasional nosiness. I was a child when I did this. Raising a child, particularly one as different as I, is inherently difficult. I don’t see Sophie as much as I would like, but every time I do I realize how much patience, time and effort it takes to help raise a happy, well-adjusted child. My mom is a natural: watching her interact with Sophie is spectacular. Mom treats Sophie as a princess, which, of course, she is. That means the world to me.

Over the course of the last ten years, I’ve seen my Mom for both the good and the bad. Yes, she does occasionally drive me nuts. But I drive people nuts, as well. The important thing about my mother is that irrespective of her idiosyncrasies, she drops everything if I need anything because I’m her son. It is unconditional love – the same I feel for my daughter. There really aren't a lot of people you will love unconditionally over the course of your life.

And today, that’s the only thing I’ll focus on.

Advice I Have Never Successfully Heeded:

1) Focus on What’s Good About You, Rather Than What You Lack:

My response: “Thank you. First off, can you go in a tremendous amount of detail about what’s good about me? Preferably in writing and potentially in a signed affidavit? Also, I do lack things. Occasionally, I think about them too much. That actually puts me in 99.9% of mankind."

2) Stop Thinking Too Much

My response: “Ok. I’ll get right on that. But doesn’t that involve a lobotomy?”

3) “You Should Go Out More And Maybe Find Someone You’re Interested In!” - My Mom

My response: “Thanks, Mom. Also, thank you for focusing on the one thing I lack (see #1, above), thereby putting me into a downward spiral. And by “going out more”, I’m not sure there’s a special outing for “desperate single women.” Except bars. Which is probably the one thing I should avoid. But I do appreciate the advice, as well as providing me some small amount of neuroses today.”

4) “Perhaps That Shot Is Not A Good Thing To Drink At This Present Time” – Voice in my head at Bar on Multiple Occasions, Years ago at 2am

My response: “Yeah. You’re Right.” - Me, on my bed at 8am.

5) "Perhaps that Woman Is Not Good For You, Either." - Same Voice In My Head, Occasionally but not limited to at bars

My response: "Yeah. You're Right. - Me, either hours, days, weeks or months later. Historically related to #4, above.

6) Get therapy.

My response: “You first. Also, I’m in therapy.”

Democracy

Tonight, I watched democracy in action. Ok, not so much democracy as a strange reality show in which candidates on Fox News, complete with a buzzer stolen from the 1970s game show “Password.” Thursday Night was the first of forty-seven debates between the Republican debates in a battle to lose to Barack Obama by double-digits. The big names (Trump, Gingrich, Palin, Bachmann, Christie, Mitch Daniels) weren’t there, to the extent that the Republican party contains big names (they do not). Here are those who actually showed up last night:

1) Governor Tim Pawlenty (R-MN), whose fast-paced videos and bland demeanor make him a top-tier candidate. He offends no one, pleases no one, is eminently malleable and generally stays out of everyone’s way by being as bland as possible. Given the inherent craziness of everyone else in the field, this makes him “plausible” by Washington’s Republican establishment (much as a frat boy scans a room for the “not out of my league but not so unattractive that I might be ridiculed by friends the next morning” girl at 2am).

In an era in which “Generic Republican” does better than any other actual, named Republican against Obama in the polls, Pawlenty is the most generic of all possibilities.

Strange, inexplicable quote last night: “I LOVE THE HUCK!” Boy. That could have ended badly if he just missed one letter.

2) Herman Cain (R-Toppingville): The founder of Godfather’s Pizza, he touts his business experience. This is interesting, since everyone last ate at Godfather’s when they installed a Ms. Pacman in 1983. My favorite question of the debate came from Juan Williams, who asked Mr. Cain what a President Cain would do to lower gas prices. The best answer: “Well, since we’re dealing with such an absurd hypothetical premise, I’m going to have to say that by that time, cars will be fueled by love and unicorn juice, Juan.”

He was incoherent; he has no experience and had nothing substantive to say. By all accounts, he won the debate.

Sample quote: “With all due respect, your experts are wrong.” In fairness, he was referring to Fox News’ experts, so he might be in the clear here.

3) Gary Johnson (R-NM, I think): I don’t know who he is, where he comes from and what chance he thinks he has. He does want to legalize pot and tax the hell out of it, winning him the support of fiscally responsible potheads everywhere.

Sample quote: “It’s like nine questions for these guys and none for me!”

Downside: He’s very whiny, asking to be asked more questions, like he was Lisa Simpson (“Grade Me… Look at Me. EVALUATE AND RANK ME!!!”) . No one likes the person who raises his hand in class, Gov. Johnson. Other downside: I have no idea whether he made up being the governor of a state. Really, no one knows. It is possible Fox News just made the guy up to have five people on stage.

4) Former Senator Rick Santorum (R-Leviticus): Once a rising star in the GOP, he lost re-election by I think 57 points in the swing state of Pennsylvania. This makes him a political star of the Religious Right. The evangelicals love him. No one else does, particularly Internet search engines (seriously, look him up, it’s awesome).

5) Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX): Like Santorum, both Paul and his supporters are bound by a simple religious belief: that eliminating the Federal Reserve and going back to the gold standard would cure all ills in the world, up to and including making a coherent Transformers movie. He’s the crazy grandfather who thinks that flouride in the water is a government plot, except he actually is the father of an actual sitting United States Senator, which should make us all cry.

He is intellectually honest, but dangerous and implausible, much like most engineering students who’ve never held a job. Also, he apparently came out for the legalization of heroin tonight, which might make any future election night celebration party really dour.

Sample quote: “If we legalize heroin tomorrow, is everyone is going use heroin? How many people here would use heroin if it were legal?” This was met by cheers by a crowd of South Carolina Republicans. No. Not kidding.


Last night wasn’t so much democracy in action as a surrealistic experience that even the next morning I had to check actually happened. You ever not remember calling people when you’re drunk, so you frantically check your cell phone to see who you called and texted so you at least know who you spoke to? Yeah, this morning I actually scanned political blogs to verify stuff like “really, the Godfather’s guy won the debate” or “Rick Santorum is running for President” or “Ron Paul was met with applause at a Republican primary when he called for the legalization of heroin.”

On the bright side, we’re pulling out of the Middle East. So we’re not exporting our style of democracy.

Charlie Brown

Hanging out with younger people when you are old is an interesting experience.

At a recent party, a young woman, probably 22-24 years old and bicycling across the country with her boyfriend, told her friends that relationships are easy and effortless. She told everyone that her relationship with her boyfriend was “meant to be” and didn’t take any effort at all to start or maintain.

My first reaction, which I’m not proud of, contained dark cynicism. I imagined a future in which this couple would break up in bitterness from a combination of boredom, inertia, different life paths, or just intentional cruelty. When I got home, I imagined them bouncing from relationship to relationship in their 30s in some sort of Midtown Hipster Hell of Diminished Expectations.

I was jealous. This had everything to do with me and nothing to do with the young couple. At 40, I couldn’t imagine a relationship effortless in either its initiation or its maintenance. I couldn’t conceive of a relationship that didn’t contain insecurity, awkwardness and effort. I knew at one time what it is like to love someone without any sort of defense mechanisms and neuroses.

Relationships and love are not effortless for me. Instead, it is inherently awkward, difficult and scary – like watching Charlie Brown kick a football even when he knows Lucy will take it away, it’s a leap of faith. It takes bravery for Charlie Brown to try to kick the ball even though he knows after years of experience that the possibility exists that he will fall if Lucy pulls the ball out from under him.

But Charles Schulz’s metaphor goes beyond the mere act of Charlie Brown attempting to kick a ball. After a number of failures, even professional placekickers sabotage themselves. They call it “the yips” – after a number of successive misses, a kicker thinks too much and their mechanics suffer. As a result, placekicking is a self-fulfilling process – if you are confident, your mechanics are flawless. If not, you will miss badly and embarrassingly.

After each time I try and fail at even initiating a relationship, my approach and preparation suffers as I overanalyze each past or potential relationship. I become neurotic after a lifetime’s collection of misses – becoming a self-conscious, worried, neurotic basket case. I make bad decisions – or, worse, think that every woman is Lucy as Charlie Brown’s holder on a field goal attempt. I become, in short, an over analytical mess – the inter-gender equivalent of Lin Elliott after he missed a number of successive field goals. So I stop trying, equating “relationship” with “failure.”

It shouldn’t matter, though. Others do not, of course, define me. Further, if I try again, I should do so without cynicism and without thinking about decades of failures. The process, thoughts and preparations of attempting to kick the ball or start a relationship is all that matters – the result doesn’t. It is brave to try knowing you might fail. It is a leap of faith for me that I may or may not ever try again – if I do, I hope to try with the same wonderful charming naiveté displayed by the young woman last night. Of course, the woman I ultimately attempt to initiate relationship with might have to supply a bountiful amount of patience and possibly a syringe filled with Thorazine in order to deal with my initial nervousness. It would be worth it for both of us.

Cynicism, age and guile are overrated – you end up being the bitter former player sitting in the stands criticizing others when you just lack the skill or guts to attempt what those on the field try every day.

In short, I should at least try. Also, unlike Charlie Brown, I should take great care in selecting the placeholder.